Food Porn, part two

Last time I was serious about dieting, I found myself drawn to cookbooks, and blogs about cooking.  Or more accurately, BAKING. 

It occurred to me one evening as I sat in a dark room, alone with a computer, while everyone else was asleep, as I was pouring over various websites with glorious pictures of the most amazing looking desserts that I had a pornography problem.

Only not the kind of pornography that the rest of the world thinks of.  That kind of stuff holds no allure for me.  I'm talking about cakes, and cookies, and pies, and tarts, and candies, and cupcakes and all manner of glorious confections for me to fantasize over.

So, after almost three weeks on weight watchers,  I am finding myself drawn back into that world.  I've steered clear of the usual problem areas.  I don't allow myself to peruse the cookbooks at the book store at all. There was a time when I might have gone over there with the plan to find a healthier eating cookbook, and walk out with a book on decorating cupcakes. (true story)

But I wasn't prepared for pinterest. 

I had avoided it up until now as I had heard that it was a "total time suck" (hours can go by with no notice) and then there's issues like staring at pictures of other rooms with the intention of getting inspiration to redecorate your own home, can lead to a dissatisfaction in what you already have.

But someone showed me the app and how it was all too easy, and soon I was mesmerized by pictures of places I'd like to visit, and cute ideas for just about everything, and tips for cleaning my house, and quotes that made me laugh or think or smile, and recipes. 

Oh, the recipes.

Cause my mom probably has no idea what pinterest is, I will explain briefly. In the same way that once upon a time people would cut things out of magazines and file them away, or hang them on a bulletin board for inspiration or whatever, now there is a website dedicated to doing all that virtually.  You set up your "boards" or files, and as you look at picture after picture of everything under the sun that everyone else has posted, you can choose to "repin" those pictures to your own boards, to save for a later date, and everyone you know will see what you chose to pin, and they might like what you liked, and choose to repin it, and it goes on like that.   I just ran across this hilarious article on the subject, which totally falls into the "it's funny cause it's true" category.

So, yes, recently I've spent a little bit of time perusing the pictures.

After only a few days, the patterns that are emerging on what interest me the most aren't that surprising.   I won't give you a complete run down, but at the low end, "healthier living" comes in with four pins on that board, "for the home" has 14 pins, "places I'd like to visit" has 40, and "recipes to try" is leading with 56 pins. (and yes, there are a few ideas for redecorating, though at this moment I am choosing to focus on what is plausible, and I will worry about my gorgeous kitchen remodel later should it ever become a reality.)

And you'd be right in supposing that 90% of the recipes aren't exactly diet friendly.  Of course I could have a piece of a chocolate mousse brownie, I just have to count the points. (After making sure I have enough in the first place, and then not have seconds or thirds)

The point of weight watchers is that nothing is forbidden, and you have choices, but you do quickly learn that if you make good choices you get to eat more food , and if you make bad choices,  you might be out of points before you ever even sit down to dinner.

While there is definitely not the same feeling of  forbidden-ness that I had with catz (brownies were NEVER okay) I still find myself sitting alone in a room, staring at a computer screen and fantasizing about what I really shouldn't have.

And I know it's very closed-minded of me, but I have a hard time with recipes that are lightened up.  SOME are very, very good.  SOME have me begging for the recipe.  But for the most part, if I am going to have a dessert, I want a good dessert.  Not an 'okay' one, I want to really enjoy those points, not just wishing I was enjoying them.

Anyway, the old saying is still true.  "We want what we can't have."  And I want cake.  And cookies. And gooey caramel bars. And homemade bread with homemade cinnamon honey butter. And cute holiday themed treats.

Darn you, food porn!

what the bus driver doesn't see.

My mother drives a special needs school bus (the short bus) in Utah.  To illustrate how lucky I am, my mom related to me a story about a little boy on her bus with autism.  Christopher might be autistic, but for the most part, I have it pretty good. How when her bus route has been changed and they don't drive the exact same route making the exact same turns, he will have a meltdown.  But the part I think about often is how every morning, that little boy is out there waiting for the bus in the exact same spot.   His mother isn't allowed to stand out there with him.   No good byes, no "I love yous".  I can't remember if the mother calls out from the doorway where she stands "I love you! Have a good day!" or if she simply waves to my mom as the doors close and she drives off.  After school, my mom will find that other mother standing at the end of the driveway waiting for the bus each and every day. The little boy will get off the bus, and without even glancing at his mom, walk into the house.  My mom's heart aches for this mom. 

Lack of affection can be one of the signs of autism, but just like in regular kids, no two kids are alike.

I think about this other mother every morning and night as the bus appears at the end of our driveway, and I wonder what the bus drivers think during those few seconds that they are stopped at my house.  Christopher runs out to the bus every morning without even looking back as I call out "Bye Christopher!  I love you! Have a good day!".  The bus driver and I wave to each other, then the doors close and the bus takes off.

Later that day, the scene is similar.  I come out to meet the bus, Christopher jumps off, and my greetings of "Hi sweetie, how was your day?"  are barely heard as he runs past me into the house.

But what the bus driver doesn't see is a completely different situation.  From the earliest days of his life, when he was a teeny little bean in the NICU, there was only one word to describe him- Sweet.  I thought it was just me, but when a nurse said those words, a nurse who takes care of babies every day, "He's just so sweet." I knew he must be special. 

Every morning I am woken to a sweet little boy crawling in bed with me with only minutes to spare before it's time to get up.  I'm his favorite person to snuggle next to on the couch as we have our morning scripture study.  Sometimes we linger a little too long on the couch as he is curled up next to me, letting me rub his back or stroke his hair.

I agree that "hi's" and "good-byes" aren't his thing.  He is so excited to go to school he runs out the door without looking back.  And when he gets home, he needs to race to the back door to watch as his bus drives away.  (there's a great view of a road the bus takes from our back door)

No, he doesn't say the cute little expressions of love that kids his age are known for.  Awhile ago another mother posted on facebook how her little boy said he "loved her more than pizza". I doubt I will be posting anything as cute and clever as that on facebook anytime soon. But Christopher's language skills are still pretty crude, he speaks in the third person much of the time and leaves out all the little details that make sentences grammatically correct.  "Christopher want pizza."  "Christopher play wii?" "I no want to."

But I do get hugs and kisses whenever I ask, and even sponateously from time to time.

And at night, after the two of us put the other kids to bed, we will cuddle up on the couch together, under a big fuzzy brown blanket, and he will fall asleep as I catch up on my DVR'd shows.

So, I often think about this other mother.  Does she get moments in her day where she knows her little boy loves her?  Where she asks no one to be sorry for her because her boy isn't as emotionally distant as he might seem from the driver's seat of a school bus?  Or does her heart break because he might never return the love she shows daily?

my favorite blue-eyed boy

I've been pretty busy and gone most of the day so that's why I'm just now getting around to blogging, not because I've been avoiding it.

Ok, so maybe there might be a reason why Zach is the last of my kids that I am giving an update on. 

There's the good things, like that he joined a soccer team and is having fun.  We've only had practices for a couple weeks, but he's excited to go every time. He doesn't have his own ball yet cause the only size four balls they had were pink, and he doesn't do pink.

He is missing his very first soccer game tonight because he's on a zoology field trip to the zoo.  They are sleeping over at the zoo.  He was excited.  I think it's his first time away from home by himself.  He said he'd miss me but not too much.  I assured him I would miss him more than he missed me, and I really do. 

So that's the good stuff.

I've been putting off the other stuff because I wasn't sure what to say. Or whether or not to say anything at all.

The big drama over here is that Zach is in the market for new friends.  Ok, he has other friends, it's just requiring venturing a little farther than usual to have someone to play with.

His usual go-to friends haven't been so nice lately, and I am doing my best to help Zach cut off ties with them.  They've been downright mean to him.  To the point where he was crying at a birthday party (one of the boys we've had problems with, and has also been his best friend since pre-school) and stayed home from school because his stomach hurt.  I am sure his stomach did hurt, he tends to be more anxious than most, and after talking to him, he and I came to the conclusion that the anxiety over dealing with these friends at school is what was the cause of his stomach pain.  A talk with the nurse said he was spending many of his lunch recesses in her office, mostly just to hide out from these boys (who chased him around and teased him and would tackle him.)   And then they'd threaten to shoot him with airsoft guns, etc.

And that's just how they would treat Zach which is a more recent affair.  They've long since been treating Christopher badly.   Usually just the general stuff, like yelling at him to go home, etc. But I've heard rumors that he's been shot at with the aforementioned airsoft guns.  (Not shot, just shot at.) I yelled at one of the boys for trying to stick his hockey stick in the spokes of Christopher's bike as he rode by trying to make him fall down.

Mean. Mean. Mean.

I'm just having trouble dealing because I really like the families of both of these boys.  I am proud to still call them my friends, even if I want my son to have nothing to do with their boys for the time being.   And my heart breaks for Zach's pain.  These boys have been his friends for as long as he can remember and they just turned on him. He was friends with them separately, but now they have formed an alliance and kicked Zach off the island.

I know one of the mother's is upset with the way things are unfolding. She loves Zach and hopes they are the kind of friends who room together in college.  She told me she's bribing her son to be nice to Zach.  I think her efforts are sweet but totally misguided.  I think my kid deserves the kind of friends who want to play with him because he's awesome and fun to be with, not because they are being bribed to. 

Anyway, maybe I've said too much.  I wasn't sure whether to say anything at all, as I generally try to live by the "if you can't say anything nice..." philosophy, but I promised an update on the goings on in Zach's life, and sometimes it's not all soccer and cub scouts.    Zach's dealing with this pretty well.  He's busy with swimming and soccer and scouts and piano lessons, and he's found other friends that are in bike riding distance from home.  Kids that he's known for awhile, it just hasn't been as convenient to seek them out before.  It's good to branch out anyway. 

So that's it for the updates.  Life doesn't change too much around here.  We now return you to your regularly scheduled program of babble, drivel, hot air, and inanity.

School Daze

I am happy to report that Nick is loving school.

Some of his grades aren't the best, and he knows that if he doesn't bring them up he won't be driving.  He has to qualify for that good student discount or else.

But other than that...

Seminary is one of his favorite classes.  He has even begun practicing the piano again because once a week or so he is the pianist for class.  He loves starting the day off on a spiritual high.  Despite the fact that I was the exact opposite when I was his age (at least my junior and senior years) I am happy for him. He is totally scandalized that I ever slept through class, walked in halfway through with my breakfast courtesy of Einstein's bagels, and many days didn't bother showing up at all.  I have no doubts that my graduation from Seminary was a gift from my teachers.  I didn't earn it. But I think they knew if they pushed back I would just leave. At least I was showing up. Most of the time.

PE has always been one of Nick's best classes.  Surprised?  He's not the super athletic jock-type, but he tries. He does his best when he's there and his coaches seem to appreciate that.  Actually, it's not that surprising, "classroom participation" has never been an issue.  He loves school and is actively engaged when he's there.  It's the bringing home the homework, doing it, putting his name on it, and returning it on time part he has trouble with.

His worst grade right now is in science. (Homework) But he loves the class and his teacher.  The teacher was his cross country coach, and he's pretty awesome.   We just found out he used to be in a punk/Emo band, but quit to go back to school.  We even googled him. Sometimes he brings his guitar in and sings science-y songs he makes up about cell division and stuff.

Drama is another favorite.  He did decide to take stage craft next year instead.  He figures he can still try out for plays but he's fascinated by all the behind the scenes stuff.  In fact, he is often being asked to help out with the lights and such for this and that, and he's totally happy to help out.  He's been having fun working on the current play, (as an actor) and is excited to put it on next week.

Along the same lines as drama is orchestra.  I think that's where most of his friends are, but he's worked hard with all the "extra" stuff.  Just a couple weeks ago the 6th graders had a field trip to the high school (a collaborative effort with the junior high) to keep kids involved in orchestra.  Nick was there, setting up the stage, and working the lights from the control booth in the auditorium during the evening's performance.  He gets those kinds of opportunities regularly and is making a name for himself with any group (orchestra, band and drama) that would like to use the stage.   The next play at the school is a musical, so since he's not so confident in his singing abilities, he decided he wanted to mix it up and play in the pit orchestra.

I have to brag just a tiny bit here.  Last week he had to help out at a fundraiser at the high school for all the performing arts groups.  It was a dinner, and he had to dress up in a tux and play in a quartet or something for a half hour or so, then take a shift bussing the tables and refilling water glasses etc.  There were three separate dinners that night, so the whole thing went from 5 to 8 or so.  He wasn't required to be there the whole time, just what he signed up for.  After spending a couple hours at rehearsal, he came home, took a quick shower, grabbed a bite to eat, and headed back to the school.  I didn't hear from him to pick him up until after 8.  I asked him why he stayed the whole time and he said they were short staffed with the bussing, there were kids who decided not to stick around and do their shift.

A couple days later, I ran into a man from our church.  He proceeded to tell me how impressed he was with Nick, how he worked hard, and was the very last person to eat.  I mentioned they were short some bussers.  He said, "No, he was the busser."  Of course, I think this man only saw him for the last hour or so, Nick said he had more help at the beginning of the night, and when many kids decided to go home, or had too much homework, or whatever, Nick stepped up and helped out without complaint.

He is gone a lot more than he ever was, but I am grateful that he has found so much joy in school.  I'm glad he's getting involved and approaching every aspect of it with enthusiasm, and finds school much more than just a place to survive or sit and listen to teachers and then leave without ever looking back. 

To be honest, I used to worry.  He had friends at our old house, but since we moved here, not so much.  At school he would read at recess, and he's friends with kids at church, but has never really hung out with any of them.  He made an effort for awhile there, but they never seemed interested in reciprocating. I worried he would spend his entire childhood at home, reading, watching tv, or playing on a computer.

Now lets just hope he can get those grades up.  He might find school not so fun if he can't drive, and has to listen to his mother complain every time she has to pick him up from whatever obligation he's committed himself to.  (Not to mention that would really suck if he has to have his mommy chauffer on a date.)

Sorry, I don't have a current one of him from school.  I bought the picture CD's and the rights to the other kids, but a) Nick didn't give me any of that info (similar to the homework issue) and b) he looks angry in his picture.  It's the picture on his ID card, that's how I know his picture was even taken.  So although I've used it before, here's my current favorite of him.

Christopher update

Christopher is still loving kindergarten.  He's excited to go every day. 

He even mostly packed his own lunch this morning.  I helped with the sandwich and cutting the apple and closing the Ziploc bags, but other than that, he did pretty good.  Of course his lunch did consist of two different fruit snacks, a leftover little bag of skittles that my kids gave out for Valentines day, and a Capri Sun. I took one look at the contents of his lunchbox and thought "Wow. That is a lot of sugar." But he's been know to come home with fruit snacks and little funsize candies from Halloween completely unopened so odds are he won't eat it all, and it's not worth the meltdown that may or may not happen if I remove things he carefully placed in.  But he did want apple slices which I usually don't add because they get all brown and gross by lunchtime, so I was happy about that.  Maybe he will eat those.

He's learning to read which is exciting.  He seems to do better with memorizing sight words than sounding things out.  He knows the sounds, just can't seem to string them together. "Sssss-aaaa-tuh." (sat)  "Good job, what does that say?"  "Suzzing."   He mostly just makes up his own words that start with the same sound.  At least he gets points for creativity.

And he finally progressed a level in swimming.  Zach too. They've been going twice a week for a while now.  I'm pretty happy with that, I think he's tried to drown on me every single summer since he could walk. And then there was that summer when he was three that he totally failed an intensive course designed to get kids his age swimming within 8 lessons. It was practically guaranteed he'd be drown proofed within two weeks.  After two weeks they said, "Don't let him near water.  He will drown."

Here's a cute picture.

Christopher and Maddie were coloring with chalk in the street, and Christopher had Maddie draw he and Zach doing the back float.  Maybe swimming will be in his future.  He's got the genes for it. Just to brag a little bit, my brother still holds the record at my high school for the 100m backstroke.

And the big news is he lost his first tooth 2 days ago.  I'd take a picture, but he's not exactly cooperative. Unfortunately we have no idea what happened to the tooth.  At dinner he was crying because it hurt to eat, but wouldn't let me near it, (I mentioned pulling it out and he was completely traumatized at the thought) and in the morning it was gone.  I'm already thinking orthodontist bills may be in our future as his grown up tooth had already come up behind the baby tooth before it was even loose, probably because there doesn't seem to be any room for it in it's proper place.

Anyway, that's about it I think. Change comes slow for him.  In many ways he's still like a three year old.  Well, a three year old that can ride a two wheeler and is learning to read.  I guess it's not worth worrying about, but I wonder about that age gap.  Will he always seem two years younger than the rest of the kids his age? Will that gap widen? Will it shrink? Time will tell I guess.

I'm choosing to look at it like this- when he was born he was my fourth preemie. 4 lbs 8 oz.  Pretty small.  By then I had learned that those infant years go by pretty quickly and I felt fortunate to be able to squeeze an extra 2 months of infantness out of them.  So as he is my last kid, maybe this is just a way for me to cherish the little kid years awhile longer.

My Funny Valentine

I thought it only fitting that in my Update-A-Day project,  I should highlight John on Valentine's day.

Would you believe out of the two of us, he is the romantic?  I'm actually not a fan of Valentine's day.  It feels forced and cheapened.   The giant tent outside the grocery store for your "One stop shopping Valentine needs!" really bothers me.  Ridiculously over priced roses.  Crappy chocolates in giant red boxes.  Tacky ugly stuffed animals.  Just because the date on the calendar tells you so.  Talk about a scam.  I would be insulted if John came home with any of the above.  And yet the giant tents that have set up camp make me wonder if I am in the minority in my way of thinking.  (I did however purchase season 2 of Downton Abbey and told John he got me that for Valentine's day.)
 
I don't need a particular day to know that John loves me.  It's in the little things he does every day.  For instance, he helps with laundry and the errands when he's in town.  And he doesn't need a special day to pick up some chocolate for me if he runs across something he thinks I will like.  Except for now we are both on diets so hopefully that will stop.  I gave him grief for supporting me in word, but not in deed. "But you like chocolate, and I thought of you and had to get it."

Anyway, he's gone this week. That seems par for the course.  Good thing I'm not all about Valentine's day or I might get my feelings hurt.  He's traveling as much as ever.  I barely bother to keep track. It changes day to day.  He just hit diamond status (the highest level) with Delta.  And he's the highest level with Southwest as well.  Yes, he travels that much.  And at least with Delta, he gets upgraded all the time and is actually annoyed if he has to sit back with the commoners in Coach.

There's even talk of him going back to Belgium sometime in the near future.  For like three weeks. I've got my fingers crossed he can put it off until June, then maybe I can join him for a week. They really like him in Belgium.  Last time he found a job application on his desk.  It's only a little tempting. 

A few years ago, we were looking to work abroad for a couple years.  Belgium in particular.  I wanted it so bad it hurt.  We knew a guy who did a two year stint, kept his house in the states, made a bunch of money (tax free, he was working for Uncle Sam) paid off debts and traveled all over Europe.  And what an awesome experience for our whole family!

But alas, it was not meant to be.  So we accepted that we are where we are supposed to be and continued on with our lives.  And Nick went to high school and is having an awesome year, and Christopher is going to a special kindergarten and is doing AMAZING, and I am sure any experiences we would have abroad would be awesome, but I think these are the experiences we are meant to have today.  Besides the job offer isn't for a 2 year stint.  It would be permanent.

Even in this economy, job security isn't something I worry about.  I am grateful for that. They seem to value him at his job.  John is a hard worker.  He's a really smart guy, but not arrogant, and people just like him.  And he actually gets job offers all the time. Nothing we ever considered even thinking about.  Most of them require moves to places like Washington DC or San Jose.

And I mentioned he's on a diet too?  He is doing some kind of diet with a couple of friends with an iphone app.  So it's competitive and they can see how each other is doing and keep each other honest. He lost 10 pounds in the first two weeks.  Life is so unfair. I think I was averaging 3 lbs a week with CATZ and I was killing myself to do so.  John cuts his calories, and tries to get some exercise in "even if it's just walking around the airport" And he's already lost the equivalent of my unrealistic goal for an entire month's weight loss.

So that's it.  He works.  He travels.  He's losing weight.  And he gets in a little English Premier League Soccer in between loads of laundry.

Mad

She's gotten used to it.  She's answered to lots of names, Madison, Maddie, Fatty-Maddie, Bratty-Maddie, Chatty-Maddie, Girl, Princess, and now just- Mad.

Nick thought it was funny cause the name actually did that, it made her mad. She'd throw a fit, and being the obnoxious older brother, it would just egg him on. But now she's waving the white flag.  It's just the simplest shortest version of her name, and those of us lazy linguists tend to use it regularly.

Anyway- what she's up to.  Here's the long and short of it.

She's currently registering for jr. high.  I don't know if I'm ready for that. She's still just so sweet and innocent.  She actually still covers her eyes when people on TV kiss.  Maybe I will lock her in the attic for a few years. Hold on to that innocence awhile longer.

We did get in a bit of a fight over her registration.  Actually, it was more like she told me what she'd like to do, and I said "drop dead."  She wants to quit orchestra to pursue acting. 

Seventh graders get one elective because they have to take two English classes- one English, and one reading. If they pass a test, they can drop the reading in the 8th grade, and take two electives.  She believes drama is where her passions lie, and the stage is calling her, blah, blah, blah. I think playing an instrument is a valuable skill. (of course I might just be over compensating because my dad wouldn't let me take the violin when I was younger) Making a decision on whether you like playing an instrument after only a year and a half is ridiculous. Especially on the elementary school level.

If she quits, it's not likely she will ever go back.  She will have to quit EVYS because you must take orchestra at your school to be involved, and then what is the point of private lessons, or continuing to rent an instrument?  I know there are people out there who say "my parents forced me to take lessons, and I hated it" but I still think quitting right now is a mistake. If she really hates it a year from now, we can talk.

Besides, this isn't her only opportunity to take drama. If she passes the reading test, she can take it next year (along with orchestra Ü).

Reading is another subject. I don't understand it.  I can't remember a time when I didn't love to read. I might have periods in my life where I don't do it a whole lot, but I have always considered myself a reader. 

Madison on the other hand- take for example last summer.  I made a goal to make my kids into readers.  Nick has been an off and on voracious reader, but Maddie and Zach not so much.  I told the kids I would pay them a penny a page to read. Chapter books.  Not picture books. If my parents had given me that deal growing up, I would have bankrupted them. Two things I loved most in the world were books and money.  Guess how much I paid up at the end of the summer?  About $6.00.  Seriously.  That's not even one of the longer Harry Potter books. Three kids, two months, and between the three of them I was worried I was going to go broke.  Think again.  Zach earned about $4.  Nick only earned $2.  Madison didn't earn one thin dime. Seriously? I was flabbergasted.

But, there's hope. Every quarter she's had to do a book report for school, and she's been really into her book this time. Before, reading was a chore.  "I read ten whole pages!"  But This weekend alone she read over half a 300 page book. I took a picture to document it as evidence.

She was annoyed.

Other than that, she continues to be the same sweet girl.  I never tire of hearing how much people love her.  When not being annoyed by her brothers or having her dreams squashed by her mother, she remains a joy to be around.