My apologies

First and foremost, I'd like to apologize to my kids. I'm sorry you had to see me lose my temper like that the other day. I'm sorry for all the bad words I said. I'm sorry for the yelling and the screaming and the crying. But especially the swearing. That's just not called for.

I'm sorry to worry you John, when you called home from several states away and talked to Madison and you had to hear her sweet little voice say "Well, I had a really good morning, but it was really hard to watch mommy cry." I know it's hard for you to be away and I try to keep it together so you don't have one more thing to worry about.

I'm sorry to the Relief Society in my ward. I know I signed up to bring an appetizer, and I truly did my best. Three separate trips to the grocery store, one in sunglasses to hide my puffy eyes, should be proof that I tried. But when it comes down to it, it's really difficult to cook when you can't see anything with all the moisture leaking out, and I was a little afraid of chopping off my fingers because the herbs were such a big green blur. Also it was very time consuming to stop and wipe my face and blow my nose then wash my hands every 3 minutes. I really regret not making it to the meeting, with or without the appetizers I promised, if I had known that would be one of my last opportunities to spend time with some dear friends before they caught every one of us off guard and split our ward, I would have been there, but I probably would be wearing those sunglasses. I know they say when you're feeling down and worthless like that, the best place to be is around people who can lift you up, but some days that's the hardest place to go. I hope you all got enough to eat.

I'm sorry I didn't make it to your baby shower, Jenn. I was gonna duck out of the Relief Society meeting early (it was at the exact same time) to come. But well you know, splotchy face, on the verge of tears all night, didn't want to make a spectacle of myself in a room full of strangers. That and I don't think I could have put on a happy face and be happy for another new mother when I was feeling like a total failure as a mother myself. I hope you had a lovely evening. I really was looking forward to it and seeing you again.

I'd like to apologize to the 6 teachers, the school counselor, and the vice-principal who had to take time out of their busy day to discuss my son and his grades. On a bright note, he's doing well in PE, but the rest of his classes are suffering considerably. I'm sorry if my defenses went up a little bit, but I was feeling pretty overwhelmed and even felt like my own parenting skills were being attacked. I KNOW I'm not the best mom, or even a really great mom, but I try, and I try, and when that doesn't work I try something new, and I re-group, and re-evaluate and problem solve, and when people who don't really know the home situation are suggesting things like that my son should try doing his homework "in a central location", (because what kid with ADD won't do better with 14,000 things going on around him all at once?), and when I have to listen to the counselor's psycho-babble, "What I am hearing from you is that you are feeling frustrated, and are choosing to allow your child to experience the natural consequences of his choices instead of coming to my office to discuss another plan that might help him be successful?" well that sounds a little like she is accusing me of choosing failure for my son instead of success. The irony here is every time I step in and try to help, someone else tells me I should back off, because how is he ever going to learn to be responsible with mommy waiting there with a safety net?

So yeah, my parenting-homework style right now is to simply Ask and Remind. "Do you have any homework? Are you sure you did it all? Did you check your pride book? Did you put it safely away? Are you sure? Why don't you go double check? Don't forget your viola! Don't forget your medicine!" And so, I'd like to apologize to my son if this is the wrong approach. I'm sorry that most days I don't know what I'm doing. Because I don't. It's all guesswork, but apparently you are stuck with me, and I'm sorry for that too.

I'm also sorry to my older kids if I put too much responsibility on your shoulders to help out with the little ones. Some days can be difficult as a nearly single parent, and I know I rely on you alot. I realize your job first and foremost is to be a student, and if babysitting the little kids hinders your ability to do well in school (like homework) I will give up the more frivolous things like book club, but I might still need to ask for your help for nights when I have scouts and stuff. (Sorry)

Oh, and lastly, I'd like to apologize to my faithful readers (all half-dozen of you) I know my posts are few and far between, and then I go and write about something awkward like my emotional breakdown last week. Sorry about that. I'll try to do better.