We moved to a new house and a new school in the second grade- The behavior issues got slowly better over the years, but back then his grades would be good, but the citizenship part of his report cards was far from acceptable for awhile there. At first he had a hard time making friends, but he has found a few really good friends that are the kinds of friends you'd pick for your own kid if you got the chance, and I am so grateful they are a part of his life. It seems though that it's a different story for most of the other kids in his grade however. He tends to be a bully magnet and a loner, and spends most recesses by himself reading. I can't tell you the number of conversations he has had with me that start something like this: "there's this boy/girl in my class who hates me...". He thinks maybe it's partly just left-over irritation with him from younger grades. This bothers me and I am not sure what I can do about it, but just remind him what a great kid I think he is, and tell him the other kids are missing out. He has a positive attitude and it doesn't have any effect on his love of school and learning, for which I am grateful.
Our biggest struggle lately however has been his grades. They seem to slowly getting worse and worse as the years go on. As the teachers stop babysitting and hand holding and the kids are expected to take responsibility for themselves he doesn't seem to be stepping up to the bat. It's frustrating. I have this great kid of whom I am very proud to be his mother, who has been officially classified by the schools as "gifted", but his ALP teacher doesn't think he fits the "accelerated" label because he's not organized, and "maybe he would just feel more successful if he quit ALP". Who loves school, who reads his whole Social Studies textbook in three weeks and then asks the teacher if she has another one cause he's "done with this one", but went from an A+ to an F in Social Studies for not turning in any assignments for more than a month. Who wants to go to a good college and study history or science, but has an F in science. Who would rather read than do almost anything, but has an F in reading. Who says he loves the viola, but his viola teacher (whom we love) has threatened to kick him out of private lessons because after many months he just hasn't shown any improvement which is the result of his lack of adequate practicing.
What's a mother to do? I KNOW he's bright enough, and capable enough. I've bribed, grounded, threatened, screamed, yelled, lectured, taken all his books away, made promises, begged, cried, pleaded, helped him organize his desk at school and home, helped with homework, met with teachers, bought every organizational thing I could think of, checked snapgrades daily, rewarded, hugged, kissed, praised, bought his own set of textbooks to keep at home so "forgetting" them is never an option, sought advice from friends, family, strangers, prayed, and still...Nothing seems to work.
The other day I posed a series of questions to him "Do you like school? You like your teachers? You think school is important? Do you want to go to college? Get a degree? Get a good job? Do you really think these things, or are you just telling me what you think I want to hear but secretly have plans of being a starving artist or a famous rock star or a super star athlete and so you don't need a formal education?" (and then I started getting ridiculous) "Do you drink? Do drugs? Are you suicidal? Are your parents getting a divorce? Did somebody you love just die?" Most of those questions were met with a totally incredulous look, or total offense, but I explained I just needed to cover all my bases. Maybe I'm missing something, but generally speaking, a kid as smart as he is shouldn't be failing school for NO REASON.
And so today we took the first step that has been a long time coming. We went to see a specialist. Apparently these days the pediatricians don't hand out Ritalin like candy anymore, they're careful, and refer you to somebody better trained to make those kinds of decisions. They're slow to dish out the meds, which is good I think. So far he's been diagnosed as "borderline ADD", and they've suggested things like Omega 3 fish oil, and a website with helpful hints, and we have another appointment to go back for more testing in a month. I'm glad they are taking it slow. I've fought this decision for a very long time. I didn't come to it easily. John and I have discussed it off and on, and we've finally decided that it's worth a shot, and better to try this out now than later on in his life. His second grade teacher had pushed for it, but to me it felt like laziness on her part. "I don't want to deal with your child, please medicate him so he's easier for me." A friend of mine who was also a teacher at that time confirmed my suspicions when she said- "Absolutely that's what she's after. I think they should put Ritalin in the drinking fountains. "
Fifteen to twenty years ago, Ritalin was the favorite drug of doctors, teachers, and moms alike. My brother was on it for years and he hated it. He hated the way it made him feel. It left him feeling depressed and suicidal. He liked being off it because he could feel something- joy, rage. A lot of rage. He needed it though. He had so many problems and we think the medicine is responsible for him even graduating from high school. As siblings we were also cruel. He was the little brother, and anytime he was remotely irritating we'd say things like "Go take your Ritalin, you're bugging me." We treated him as though we didn't want to be around him unless he was on his medicine. He wasn't accepted for who he was underneath it all. I feel terrible about that, and the thought of my own kid ever feeling that way hurts.
But I don't know what else to do. Next year he'll be in jr. high. At that means new friends, new opportunities, honors classes, and every thing gets harder. And if he can't keep track of his homework now, I don't want to know what next year will bring.
I have to try. I have to do something. I want to see him be the person he's capable of, and bring home a report card he can be proud of. I want to see him achieve his dreams, whatever they are, and I just pray I am doing more good than harm....
The best part is that it's totally guilt free- as long as I have tickets I can drop my kid off, walk away and do whatever I want without feeling I am taking advantage of somebody who might have better things to do with their time besides watch my kid while I go shopping, get my hair done, etc. I generally hate asking other people to watch my kids, but there have been times- Dr.'s appointments, volunteering at school, that I have desperately needed help and so would ask then, but I still felt bad about it. The good part about John's job is that when he is in town he can work from home and sometimes he can help me out, but he is supposed to be working, or on conference calls, and it's not all that easy or convenient for him either, which I feel bad about too.
And my personal favorite- (and yes he is very much unconscious- he's pulled that blanket over his head and fallen asleep more times than I can count)
If you enjoyed those as much as I did, and you missed the original post last May- you can check out my original sleeping kids post (click me-> 
